Marvel Marathon #3: Thor

(During quarantine my girlfriend and I are going through the Marvel movies chronologically. Surprisingly, she is really enjoying them, maybe even more than me. We are already a couple down and I’m gunna do write-ups for all of ‘em, the good and the bad.)

So, Thor. Right then, I have not seen a single Thor film, nor did I ever want to. A friend of mine who happens to be a huge Marvel Stan told me the first two Thor movies are “not great.” To him there isn’t one bad MCU movie. His scale is “not great” – perfect. Even if he doesn’t admit it, “not great” really means shit. So if he says not great, that can only mean I’m probably gunna hate it. But who knows, maybe I’ll be surprised.

Nah, it’s terrible. Let’s start off with the very first thing we see, a CGI Asgard. The film looks like trash. It looks like a TV movie. Seriously, Xena: The Warrior Princess and Buffy The Vampire Slayer had better CGI and cinematography than this. Everything looks so fake. The set design, the costume design, everything. Idris Elba’s outfit – what the fuck is going on there? And what’s the deal with that castle in Asgard looking exactly like the castle from The Wizard of Oz? Frauds.

Then you’ve got everyone speaking with a Shakespearean type dialect. The acting is atrocious. Everyone is so stoic and deadpan. I don’t blame the actors. It’s the combo of being directed to act that way and having fuck all interesting to say. There is just no emotion in it because every actor is focusing too much on the getting out the clunky dialogue. What’s even weirder is that in Asgard they speak the English language, but this world delivers it in a Shakespearean way. I don’t get it.

Thor’s four friends are just pointless pieces of meat in the room. They honest to god just stand around looking dumb. Literally the only person with a character is that annoying intern from Two Broke Girls. Non of the characters have any personality or anything interesting to say. And I can’t tell if Chris Hemsworth is over-acting or if everyone else is under-acting.

The story and and the dialogue are both off. Half way through the film I even looked up who wrote the screenplay so I could avoid everything else they’ve ever written. Even the fish out of water jokes that has become go to shoe in jokes with MCU’s alien characters doesn’t work here. Even the cinematography, there are so many Dutch angles. Like, why? The action scenes are terrible. Everybody involved in this film should be embarrassed. Eugh, Such an ugly film.

Next up, Cap’n America: Winter Soldier…

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