Marvel Marathon #10: The Avengers: Age of Ultron

(During quarantine my girlfriend and I are going through the Marvel movies chronologically. Surprisingly, she is really enjoying them, maybe even more than me. We are already a couple down and I’m gunna do write-ups for all of ‘em, the good and the bad.)

It is incredible how films in the same series can vary so much in quality. Avengers 1 was a cinematic achievement and the biggest event movie since Avatar. The hype snowballed in to something unimaginable at the time. On the flip side, Avengers: Age of Ultron was dead on arrival.

The movie is a mess and I honestly don’t know where to start. There is literally a montage of Stark and Banner looking at algorithms. How exciting. They may as well be playing the Rocky soundtrack. Just a few moments after that strange and unnecessary montage, two colored balls have a fight. The balls, supposedly stark’s digital assistant and what would become Ultron, even talk to each other. It’s like if Siri had a fight with Alexa. Imagine the cover of Dirty’s Projectors’ Bitte Orca come to life.

Thor hammers off to some puddle in fuck-knows where to do fuck-knows what. When I first watched ‘Ultron’ five years ago, I had never scene Thor, and I thought to myself, “This would make a lot more sense if I had seen Thor.” Well, after having seen both Thor movies, it makes just as much sense as it did when I first watched it.

The screenwriters try so hard to make us believe something dreadful was going to happen to Hawkeye that it’s obvious nothing would. We were beaten over the head with Hawkeye’s family, Hawkeye being a great guy, etc. that, in fact, if he did die I would have been shocked, as it was the most transparent fake out, probably in the history of cinema. Let’s see, what else? Why is there a five minute scene in a 2.5 hour movie in which Black Widow explains she’s infertile? I had totally forgotten that she was in a super weird relationship with the Hulk. There are so many biblical references that it becomes a joke. Bad, screenwriters. Bad!

Of all the superheroes that could have been writing in, Scarlett Witch and Quicksilver were chosen. Two Russian siblings played by actor’s whose fake accents (speaking of fake accents, Ultron is covered in them, Golem playing a South African may be the most criminal.) instantly remind you that you’re watching a movie. Quicksilver is killed almost as quick as he was introduced, and nobody cares because we don’t even know who he is. Personally, I saw it coming – there is no way a character, pre-existing in X-Men and played by a different actor (and used much better,) could continue in two separate movie universes without moms getting confused.

Captain America makes such a big deal about the final battle being a suicide mission, then two mins later it’s all shits and giggles through their invisible ear pieces, as per. Then, of course, as always, the final battle goes on for what feels like an eternity. The first Avengers movie did the same thing, only the contents of the battle were interesting and exciting. This is just pitiful. Then, Hulk commits suicide, ‘cause why? And everyone’s cool with it. Maybe it’s a fun nod to the tv show, but it comes off weird as fuck.

Besides some impeccable voice acting from James Spader who voices Ultron, and the party scene where they all try to lift Thor’s hammer (the worry on Thor’s face when Captain America tries, and then is subsequently relieved Cap fails is priceless and the single greatest 10 seconds in the entire franshise,) Avengers: Age of Ultron is an absolute mess. There is no other way to describe it. This time the Banter isn’t enough to hold the movie together.

Next up: Ant-Man

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